The Original DIY: Getting Freaky on the Farm

As the interest in self-reliant living grows, so does the number of 20 to 40-somethings that are finding themselves settling down out in the sticks. More and more people are opting out of consumption-driven life and choosing to move on to their next phases with a very different focus than much of the previous generation. For many, this means relationships. For some, this means children. Both of those generally involve one thing: getting dirty in ways that don’t necessarily involve your raised garden beds or your worm compost bin.
The Internet has been a driving force behind the increasing interest in back-to-the-land types; providing DIY tips, instructions, tutorials and connecting like-minded people all over the world. Something that never ceases to amuse my better half and I are the normal parts of homesteader conversation that, to anyone else, probably sound pretty suggestive. Memes and graphics depicting hilarious misunderstandings between ‘sustainabillies’ and ‘city folk’ are starting to pop up on social media, to the off-color delight of many of us. A recent thread on James Burnette’s facebook page (the head Paleo cheese over at www.survivalpunk.com ) involved this very topic, where I was encouraged to put together a blog post on the subject. So here you go, James- a few more examples of what one might encounter when part of life involves ‘getting down’ on the farm.

“I’ll take ‘Conversation or Inuendo’ for 500, Alex.”
*Telling your partner that you need a big load of wood as soon as they get home. For the wood stove/ fireplace or… Not?
*Dialogue involving various methods of food preservation can be misinterpreted VERY easily. Suggesting that you spend the weekend pounding and smoking meat might come off wrong. Mentioning that your sister just loves how your husband’s family puts up their pickles or that you’re pissed because your jelly isn’t wet enough could have the same result. Expounding on the lather of your new batch of soap or offering to dip someone’s candle for them could also cause confusion. Can’t get a good strong seal? That’s a technique error, baby. Wait… Are we talking about canning?
*Invitations to get freaky (that are safe for kids and company to overhear) might include: “Hey, wanna go check each other for ticks?” “I’ve been digging your new herb garden all day, and I’ve got some swollen muscles that need to be rubbed” or ” Let’s sneak off and go, um, mushroom-hunting.” Suggesting that you know something she could repurpose (wink wink) is a good option too.
*Forgetting to confirm the store you’re visiting actually carries garden tools before telling an employee than you need help finding a new hoe for your boyfriend/girlfriend/ect is a rookie mistake.
*Waking up your partner by singing The Doors’ ‘Light My Fire’ might mean you want to start the day off with an indoor workout, or the stove has gone out and he/she doesn’t want to be the one to get out of bed and get it going again. Decipher the clues and see what the future holds, my dear Watson.

Preparing for sexytime might require a little extra consideration, depending on the time of year.
*Going for ‘a roll in the hay’ is NOT a literal term. Pausing to check each others’ hair and clothing for errant pieces of hay or straw before jumping between the sheets is always a good idea, unless you need motivation to change the bed linen. If you’re looking for a little carnal pick-me-up in the field during hay season, do your skin a favor and bring a heavy blanket to conduct said activities on. Ending up with bloody, raw knees is a giant buzzkill.
*The best way to curb your warm-weather frisky feelings can be summed up in two words: POISON IVY. Yeah, don’t ask.
*Leaving your socks on while bumpin’ uglies isn’t offensive, during winter months it’s downright necessary. You don’t always have time to warm up completely after your evening chores before one of you drifts off to dreamland, so make that time count.

Flowers and candy are no longer the most romantic gift. “Hey babe, I raked out the chicken coop for you” or “You go relax, I’ll do all the milking tonight” are great ways to make your homesteader guy or lady feel loved. For good suggestive dialog, try telling him/her just how sexy their farmer tan is. That’s a guaranteed way to charm them right out of their Carhartt’s.

One of the most important things to have in life is a sense of humor, regardless of where or how you choose to live. Being able to find laughter in everyday life is good for the soul. When you change your lifestyle and have an endless list of skills to master you have to be able to take yourself lightly, because failure and frustration are an inevitable part of this journey. Being able to giggle over penis-shaped mushrooms and leave the people around you wondering what you really mean sometimes makes it all the more fun.
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